I bet you thought this was going to be a post about how to deal with disappointment, huh?
Well, it sorta is.
It’s actually about how to deal when you’re the disappointment to what feels like everyone in your life. 😔
I’m going through it right now. And let me tell you, it sucks.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. I just want everybody to be happy and get along…you know, that kumbaya shit.
The lesson I’m having to learn now is being a people pleaser is mentally, emotionally, physically & spiritually draining. I’m so busy trying to please friends & family, that I forgot about pleasing myself and making sure I’m happy in life.
Last night, my body had had enough. The stress had finally won. I went into full blown panic attack mode.
I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a really long time. And this one felt different than the other ones I’d had. This one felt like more of a depression attack. An overwhelming sense of hopelessness, sadness and just wanting to give up. I cried so hard. So hard that my eyes hurt. And I could physically feel my heartbreak.
I took my hysterical ass to the ER last night. They ran the customary gamut of tests on me: EKG, blood work, chest x-ray. Everything came back normal, thankfully. But I don’t feel normal. I don’t feel good. I feel sad.
And sitting here, writing this blog post, I still feel sad. I’m a little numb today, but still that sting of sadness is there, in the pit of my stomach, just taunting me, teasing me.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I had the courage to just stand up and yell, “Fuck all of you! I’m going to do what makes ME happy! And if you don’t like it, then you don’t have to be a part of it!”
But that’s not me and never will be.
I over love, over care, over think, over stress, over everything. I remember one of my friends telling me years ago, “Sara, you’re so extra!” He said it with a giggle and a wink and told me that there’s nothing wrong with that. I laughed with him about it, but now, years later, his words are very clear to me.
Yes, I am extra. It’s all or nothing with me. I’m either all in or completely out. And I’m loyal to a fault. It takes a lot for me to walk away from people. That’s just not my style.
I know, for the most part, friends and family have good intentions. They want the best for me. But honestly, there are times when I just want to pack my bags, hop in my car and start a whole other life where no one knows me and I have only me to answer to. The thought of that is absolutely liberating.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m exhausted and sad. I’m exhausted from trying to please everybody and being torn between people I love. It’s an emotional tug-of-war being played with my heart.
My prayer tonight will be for peace and understanding. I need to let go of outcomes I have no control over and give them to God. I pray, also, that someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, the people I love can come together, in a spirit of understanding and forgiveness, and we can all move on from this; that there will be no animosity but only love and forgiveness.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.1 Corinthians 13:4-8
So, how am I dealing with being the disappointment? I guess you can say I’m just taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow, I’m going to get up early, do my miracle morning routine and pray the same prayer that I’m going to tonight. Because that’s all I have to hang on to right now – God.